The Little Way

To say that I love St. Therese would definitely be the truth. One could say that she's been a major influence of many of the good things that have happened in my life. Five years ago (how in the world has it been that long!) my three best friends and I started a novena to St. Therese that changed my life.

In the past few days I've been really missing two of those friends - although the convent and grad school are good places to be! I've also been getting pretty pumped about Baby U2 coming from the other best friend!!

I've been hugely busy the past week - being gone every day till at least 8, with family this weekend, a retreat the weekend before. Apparently I was spacing out so much in class yesturday that one of my students commented that "It's like she's gone to Cancun in her head!" - don't I wish! So, a little stressed out would be an understatement :).

When I glanced at my word of the day calendar (the one I inherited from Sr. Sophia Grace) last night as I was brushing my teeth, I realized that, for the first time in five years I had completely forgotten to pray my novena. I was kind of bummed. I could really use some St. Therese graces this week! So I started last night and my guardian angel finished for me. I prayed the second day this morning.

Today was fairly low stress. I got caught up on most of my back grading, had a fairly productive (albiet short) planning period and headed to All School Mass. I was sitting there, intersperced between my freshmen and sophomores and sometime during the Bishop's homily I prayed, "You know, St. Therese, I'd be OK if I didn't get any daisies as long as I can offer up this suffering and stress to make my kids holier people. It really was a touching moment.

After Mass, I got on with my day and started the craziness of having sophomores turn in papers and do a big project presentation in the same day. It was in the middle of these presentations that my miracle came.

In walked one of my former students - an office aid - with a big bouquet of white daisies just for me. I started tearing up then and there as the love of God overwhelmed me. You know, you hask for things but a lot of times I just expect for them to not happen. I guess the Bishop's homily about trust (see - I really did pay attention!) was something I needed to hear. Although friends seem to be having babies and getting in engaged and are otherwise moving on with life while mine seems to be at somewhat of a standstill, God was saying - "Yes, Lisa. I know it's hard and I know that you're lonely and can't wait to have someone to come home to. But look what I do with the little daisies. Can you even imagine what I have planned for your life?"

Nope, I can't. But I'm sure looking forward to seeing what happens.

And to the messenger that fulfilled my request - Thank you for showing me a piece of God's providence!!

The Ewey Gooey Stuff

I just got back from one of the most beautiful weddings I've ever been to. I'd give it a top 3 ranking - Kristi and Andrew's ranking in #1 for now. And then there was my friend Meghan who got married in Minnesota at the first rockingly Catholic wedding I'd ever been to.

Tonight, at Kale and Mary's wedding, however, there was something different. I think part of it was that I (and they) are just a bit more adult now. I know that they have both been through the dry times and wondered when that someone was going to show up. To be able to watch the joy radiate from their faces as they said their vows and exchanged rings (even when Kale got too excited and tried to steal Mary's sign of the cross) was a deep blessing.

The more I understand Christ's undying love for me, the more I seem to get the sacrament of marriage, the more difficult the idea of a pure and vocational sacrifice marriage is. And, the more beautiful it is.

I think the lyrics to one of our communion hymns says it pretty well.

Your love is extravagent
Your friendship is so intimate.
I find I'm
moving to the rhythms of your grace
Your fragrance is intoxicationg in this
secret place
Your love is extravagent.

Christ's love seems ever more present and extravagent in my life, specifically as I watch my good friends change their names (either first or last Sr. Sophia Grace!). This evening, I got the chance to watch God's promises begin to take flight for a new family.

It was a blessing, this evening, to be able to experience the love of my savior as I watched two friends take vows to "do whatever he tells you." Mary and Kale - I pray that His peace be with you and His grace always move the rythms of your grace.

the real reason my meditation isn't as good as it should be

I've been aware for a while now, that I am circumventing my own happiness because of fear. Part of this has been intentional, part of it is unconcious protection of my heart.



Although my friendships the past few years have been amazing, over the last two years there have been MANY changes. Kimmy's pretty permanently in Ohio, Kristi is taken up with mothering soon to be two and being a wife. Rachel is planning mommy stuff as well. Katie and Jose and Kathy all moved away and suddenly my nice little formed circle of virtuous friends has dwindled to friends that are either really far away physically or really far away incidentally.



And it's not like I've stopped hanging out with people - although I have spent many more nights hanging out by myself than I have since the spring of 2004 when I met Kristi and Kim. And instead of fostering friendships as I should, I have stopped myself. Of course, there are those relationships that for some reason I thought would be more - boys who were too caught up in their own problems to really care about me, friends that I thought would turn into those friendships that I need and crave that are too busy with other things or too caught up in thier own thing to be messin' with other people on a regular basis. Maybe it's the non-fullfillment of possiblity there that has darkened my desire and drive to develop those friendships with others.



Bottom line, I'm supposed to talk about "Where is your community?" in two days. Is it fair for me to say that my community has been found more in Dawson and Joey and Ross and Rachel these past two years than it has been found in those around me? I go through the motions of pretending to be social - I go to theology on tap and hang out with the young adult group. But aside from the friends that I've made through TECs when you are forced to divulge a part of your soul into those around you - I've been keeping my soul locked up with a key afraid that someone else will come and take a part of it and leave without giving warning.



I've tried to find fullfillment in my kids at school, through the friendships that I hold at a distance but it just doesn't work. I was lecturing my kids about virtuous friendships a few weeks ago and I couldn't help but think of the contradiction. I haven't worked at friendships for a while. Or let me rephrase - I haven't worked on friendships that others were working on with me in a while.



And therein lies my dilema - how do you know who to give a part of yourself too? Because it seems that everyone in my life is, has, or will be (with the exception of my family) leaving or moving on and away from me. And I think the dilema as a single adult is even harder. I'll never find the love of my life if I don't open up to him. On the other hand, this seemingly neverending saying goodbye and moving on doesn't seem to help matters either.

10 years?

It's the eve of my 28th birthday and I'm pretty excited about it! I decided to ditch the whole 27 thing with the old year and have been claiming 28 for four months, that's how exciting I think this year is going to be.

While driving in my car today I got to thinking about all that has happened in the past ten years. Most of this was due to me pulling out the 1998 WOW CD - you know, one of those Christian mix CD's that started back in the day. I know all the words to all the songs (except that creepy one by Carmen that I always skip). It definitely brought me back - especially the Newsboys song that Leslie, Carrie and I learned every single word to while watching their hour long promo movie over and over again.

Here are just a few of my favorite memories from the past 10 years (has it really been that long since high school? How crazy!)

• On my 18th birthday I got shrunk wrapped by my AP physics teacher - gotta love Mr. Pretz! My mom was hiding in the closet the whole time waiting to give me a balloon bouquet!
• I've made tons of different friends during different phases of my life. I've lost touch (with the exception of Facebook) of my friends from high school, I never really talked to friends from community college since graduation. My Benedictine friends will always be dear but for the most part we aren't so near anymore. It's my Wichita friends that I think will be the ones to stick forever and always - they are family.
• I've been teaching for 5 years - 5! I got an email from one of my "girls" today - she's graduating from college in a few weeks - COLLEGE! One of our other teachers was giving me a hard time the other day for my newbie status. When I reminded him I'd been at this for five years he was a bit shocked!
• I've gotten much closer to my Wichita family - aunt, uncle, cousins. I know their mannerisms and quirks - that's something I've never had w/ extended family before and I quite like it!
• I've moved much more in the past 5 years than I ever did as an "Army brat." I have to say, I love my duplex but I miss living off of the Central and Tyler intersection!
• One of my ed classes sang Happy Birthday to me one year while we were seranaded with the piano.
• I have gone through all the motions of buying a house (with the exception of the actual purchasing of said house).
• I met my first love.
• I went through my first big break up and can still call my ex one of my closest friends.
• I've accomplished some things I've always wanted to:
• I've gone to Italy
• I got to see the Pope (JPII) twice!
• I got to live in my very own Catholic version of the Real World (aka our Daisy House)
• I got to go to Seattle and spend the day with my best friend - then make a trip to Whidbey Island and eat some amazing seafood and loose a bunch of Saylor's stuff! - not in that order and definitely not all good (although the "Fresh Strawberry Shortcake" made for some great conversation!)
• Keeks and I went on a crazy fun sporadic road trip
• Kimmy and Keeks and I drove all the way to Dallas and paid for a hotel room just so we could see Therese on opening weekend.
• I've become less attached to the TV and more attached to my friends
• I got to take part in one of the most meaningful weddings I will ever be a part of (at least till mine!) Take her out to the ballgame, Andrew!
• I had a date to prom for the first time ever and it was a blast!
• I have gotten the blessing to be the godmother of two of the most adorable babies ever!
• I have gotten to know who "Lisa" is as I make my way through this grown up world called Life.
• I started really writing my first novel!

I've been doing a lot of soul searching over the past few weeks. I'm not really sure why, exactly. Maybe it's that for the first time this year it feels as though I have time to breathe! This school year has been tough. You'd think I'd have it down by now but much seemed to get in the way. Life changed last year when Kimmy and Jose and Kathy left town. Then semester scheduling was crazy. Then Katie left town too and I actually started talking to other people outside of my little cluster and thing started to get better.

It's weird. I thought most of the transitioning would have occurred last year. I wouldn't have thought that I'd still feel like this after having moved out of the house 2 years ago. At prom the other night though, I had this sense of "I can do this, I am doing this." I am a single woman (very single - might I add) that is finding contentment and purpose in this single life of mine. I don't know if I ever thought it would happen. I'm just at peace with where I am and where I am supposed to be. I don't understand it all the time but even in my, "Jesus, I don't understand why I'm still single conversations," I don't feel the fear that I used to feel. It's still hard to hear my married friends talking about their married things but instead of jealousy, mostly I have a feeling of thanksgiving that I don't have to deal with that quite yet.

Let's just say - 28th year, I have a feeling you are going to be great!

Reaping the Benefits

Few thoughts real quick . . .

I've always heard about how those who's family/close friends enter the convent reap the benefit of their prayers. I always feel this the most after I talk to Kimmy and hear her insight on all of her life goings on and my life goings on, I feel closer to God. It seems like it's easier to find those little daisies that I know are there each day but sometimes - most times - seem to forget about.

I didn't know how much I missed our weekly rosary until this evening. I love the alone togetherness of praying a rosary in a group. I seem to spend more time alone at the moment. But it was always comforting to be able to lift up my thoughts and feelings to God in a room full of my close friends. They don't need to hear all of those prayers but they are there with me all the same. For a long time the thought of rosary night made me sad and miss my home, my Daisy House (my brain seems to forget that we had it at the duplex for a year!). Tonight, however, it was just comforting and nice.

On Spring Break during Holy Week

I don't think that Catholic Schools should be allowed to have Spring Break during Holy Week. Instead of being all pious and stuff, I have been eating meat and potatoes like a mad woman! That, and lemon cake and stuffed croissants and burgers and hashbrown casserole and much yummy food with much loving people . . . and nut - no not much "celebrating" of the Triduum.

I guess it's much like the roller coaster of life. This whole year (and I speak of years in school years) has felt off. What with Angels, and Kimmy gone, semester scheduling and living in a new place by myself for the first time in a few years, this year has just been different.

Don't get me wrong, it's been good. I've enjoyed getting into my duplex in the beautiful Riverside - especially the getting to take walks by the river part! I've enjoyed getting to play with the many babies that seem to be making their appearance by the armful. I don't, however, feel as though I've "gotten" it, whatever it may be.

I'm accomplishing a lot; I have started my book - one of those things I wanted to do someday. I live in a place that I love. I have become a godmother to two of the cutest babies in the world (If you think you see one at Borders you probably do - they're smart kiddos!). I got to go camping in the mountains of Canada and eat fruit fresh from Pike's Market in Seattle. I feel like I'm coming into my own - whatever that may mean. I also, however, feel like I'm draggin behind in some areas. I'm not sure what they are, I just feel that they are lagging somehow.

I think it comes from that feeling that something is just around the bend. I don't know what that something will be, just that it is taking it's time at the coming.

106

From 2, there have come 103 (soon to be 106).

I attended the rosary for Mildred Ashford last night. She was Kimmy's grandma. And from this one woman and her husband there have come 106 other human beings.


I live my little single Lisa life. I go to school. I teach kids about books and words and life and God. I get mad at my sophomores for not listening or learning about books and words and life and God. I come home and eat dinner by myself and attempt to have some semblence of a life. I hope that I'll meet the man who will love me and want to spend his life with me.

But 106. And yet, I have more students than that in a given semester. So why does this number seem so big to me?

As many of you know, I'm not good at staying it touch with people. It doesn't occur to me to call up people when I miss them. And many times, when it does, I have a fear that they will have something better to do then to talk to me.

Even so, there's this hope of the more, of the bigger, of the epic. Hope of the 106. Grandma Ashford, as you approach the heavenly throne, please pray that I too may approach the epic that will be my dash in life.

A Happy New Year to you, and you!

Someone asked me how my Christmas break has been earlier this evening (note that it is now 3 in the morning:). It has been, to date, one of the best Christmas breaks I've ever had (with the exception of my being really grouchy toward my mom - I can't really figure that one out). I spent the first half of break with my fam. My sister and I got in some good bonding time. My family made some of our famous Christmas tree pizzas (check out teri's facebook pics to see what they look like!). We watched our favorite JAG Christmas episodes and played some mean game of Apples to Apples.

I was greeted by coming home (back to Wichita, that is) to my Angels - including our college girls and my Kimmy. If you've never been to a 5:30 mass on Thursdays, afterward the Knights say their prayer and the Angels say ours. I was so overjoyed to have all my sisters home again I couldn't get the words out - all that came were tears. What followed mass was some quality Angels time and some great sister stories.

The next day I woke up and headed to Keeks' casa to share some Daisy Girl fun. We chatted till 3 and got caught up on all of Kimmy's convent stories.

Saturday we headed to Independence for Kathy and Jim's wedding. I don't think I can express effectively the beauty of their sacramental marriage, FJ's homily and the crazy good dancing that followed. I relished in the friendships that God has given me. As Erin and I were discussing a few minutes ago, it was a reminder from God of what kind of friendship he has given us. Even with all the changes of the past two years; from Kristi and Andrew's marriage and us leaving the house to the goodbyes that we said over the past summer, I have some friends that know me and love me and accept me for who I am.

I think a lot (not all) but a lot of people that I was "friends" with in college didn't really know the real me - 0r take the time to get to know me. I think this was partially due to the fact that I was a transfer student, partly to the fact that I am pretty shy and partly because I was still figuring myself out and was afraid to show that I didn't have it all figured out. (not that, as I approach my 28th year I do have it all figured out!).

Maybe that's part of what happens and makes you grown up - it has for me at least; that finding friends who you can talk out all your thoughts and ramblings. Friends that have the power to turn away from you and call you dumb; but who don't. Instead, they listen and ask questions and challenge you to be a better person. I think it's probably different for everyone, but I think this type of relationship - those friends who become the family members that you weren't born with - that help you grown into yourself if you will. It's the importance of knowing that they have the power to shun you for life but because they love you so much they never will.

It was this kind of love, this agape type kind of love that I was experiencing at Jim and Kathy's wedding. Without Kim and Kristi and Jose and even Kathy, who's wedding we were at, I still have those friends who know me and love me.

And herein lay my worry of last week: having Kim home and Jose's been "home" so much it really does feel like he's been away at college things have felt normal again. And if it feels so normal now, what have the past 4 months been? Hard, of course. And there have been lots of tears - after phone calls and letters from Kim, after nights at Angels that just feel off, after weekends spent primarily by myself.

But I have hope and this promise from God that He won't desert me. He hasn't in the past and he's not going to start now.

About a week ago, I was kind of bummed. When I finally figured out what day New Year's Eve was, I realized that I had adoration from 11-midnight. It only took me a few seconds to realize that I didn't have to be bummed about not getting a new year's kiss - I'd get to be w/ Jesus. And Kimmy and this guy named Chuck who I really don't know . . .

Anyway, I was pretty stoked about getting to chill w/ JC and Kimmy. As we left the party, Erin called out and asked us to pray for her. So I went into adoration to pray my family and friends into the new year. I decided to kinda make my own rosary praying for each group with an Our Father and each person with a Hail Mary. I went through my immediate family, my Dad's fam and my Moms - her's took a little longer!, my high school best friends and my college friends and my godchildren and then my Daisy House family and my Angel sisters and my "kids" as I fondly call my students. All of a sudden it was 11:45!

I spent the last 15 minutes relishing in the love that I have received through all of these groups of people. As I meet more Catholic's I become more convinced that we are a closer group than any of us realize. And God shows me His love through all of these other people - it amazes me.

So, if you got to the end of my 1/2 hour ranting and rambling, I thank you for loving me through my LMM's (at least enough to read this post) and wish you a 2008 filled with many blessings from our Savior!

My friends

I know this is my second post it a few minutes but I had stuff to blog about so I figured, hey, why not?

I was having a conversation today and some things just kind of clicked - I found them quite interesting. We were discussing our group of Wichita friends. We have changed very drastically in the past 6 months. We've (and this is a list of all not necessarily a list of my accompishments) gone to the convent, moved to be closer to fiances, had children, moved to Denver, gotten annulments, moved to different areas of town, canceled rosary, gotten dogs and many other life changing events.

This is a group of friends that I was once really close to. We knew each others schedules, we would see each other daily, we would eat meals together and go to mass together and pray together. We were an intregal part of each other's lives. Today we may see each other every couple of weeks or months. What was once hanging with family has become, in some cases, semi-awkward encounters with accquaintences.

That may seem a bit overeactive (and is, in a way). In other cases, however, this is a pretty true reality.

The reason for this diatribe is that this makes hanging out in big groups quite awkward. We are not what we once were, at least with everyone. I am good friends still with some but have become much farther from others that I was once. I don't think this is anyone's fault I just think that it is the truth and it makes me a bit sad.

The Anti-Hero and Why Girls Fall for Them

The anti-hero, according to Encylopedia Britannica.com, is "the protagonist of a drama or narrative who is notably lacking in heroic qualities." The anti-hero is not a bad person, he (as we shall call him in this post) is just lacking those qualities that make a hero.



I think it's the idea of falling for the "bad guy" but with a twist. I've never been the one to fall for the bad boys (unless you count back in middle school when they happened to be pretty cute:). The anti-hero, however, is the one that has the possibility to be hero if . . . . It's the anti-hero that will get me everytime. For some reason the "romantic" part of my brain falls for the anti-hero, the one that you see potential in but who just doesn't seem to have everything together. I think that romantic part of me thinks that I can, in some way, fix him.



This is flawed thinking! At least this is what I tell myself. I wish, however, that I would listen. I hope that he'll decide that I am the one that is important enough to change for. This, I feel, is one of the bad things about romantic comedies. If it happens in a movie I can convince myself that it will happen in real life. This is not reality! He will not change for me.



I think of a quote that I read in a book once about a failed relationship. The best friend tells the girl, "He loved you, he just didn't love you enough." And therein lies the downfall of fallling for the anti-hero. The girl is never the maiden to be rescued; she is instead the one to push the knight who forgot his armor to fight the giant anyway. If you see the girl, let her know that the dragon will win because the knight doesn't think enough of himself to even dream of her.

Hogwarts Hogwash

Did ya'll hear that Dumbledore is gay? Straight from the author's mouth. And I think this is dumb.

I am a diehard, went to by my copy of the seventh book the day that it came out, feel like I am friends with Ron, Harry and Hermione fan. And I think this is stupid!

Seriously, Dumbledore's sexual affinity has no real bearing on the storyline. So he had a crush on a guy years ago. That doesn't mean that Dumbledore didn't think he was evil anyway. Dumbledore still ended up killing his "crush." And, he was an amazing leader of the school and wizarding community, not to mention one of the best father figures Harry could have had (besides his dad who was dead - although that doesn't always mean a whole lot in the wizarding world . . .).

Does his being gay make him better or worse in any way? I don't think so. Does it make a well known hero gay, yes. So are we trying to change social views (completely after the fact) or are we writing a good story? (yes, yes, all of you that know me that well - once upon a time I would like to help form moral views with writing so I'm being hypycritical.)

But seriously - if this was important at all, wouldn't we have known before?

Talkback

So I'm sitting here on Saturday night enjoying the fact that I am in comfy clothes, that I got to take a nap and that my house is finally clean! Also, I was a bit miffed at the fact that my friends hadn't called to give me an update on what exactly was going on so I wouldn't be sitting in my house wearing comfy clothes wondering what's going on.

Then I check my phone and see the missed calls. I guess that's what happens when you change your phone ringer and get immersed in "Felicity" reruns on DVD. It's a cool life, let me tell you.

Now that it's too late to hang out with my friends with a baby, I am doing what one does on a lame Saturday evening, surfing the net and catching up on blogs. Ok, Kristi's blog is the only one I read with any regularity and the only one I read tonight.

This whole Kim in the convent thing has thrown me for a bit of a loop. I am so excited for her and all that she is experiencing. I'm also not really sure what to do without her around to call my bluff when I'm being really stupid about something or I just need someone to tell it like it is. She is so good at that! She and my dad. I love to hate them for it; their ability to call me on stuff when I need to get over myself and go on with my life. Even so, I desperately need them in my life.

When one loses a person in their life, you go through all these stages and stuff. I know I haven't gone over them all with Kim yet. I definitely had some hills and valleys last Thursday. Good, bad, sad, annoyed at my 6th hour, really good, great, crying . . . It was a little crazy. Then, on my way home from Angels (the really good of the day) I was checking my messages and one was from Kim. I got to talk to her for about 20 minutes which was pretty amazing and also a little awkward. How do you fill in your best friend on your life and the fact that you miss her while also being encouraging and really excited that she called within a really short conversation? It was after the conversation that I cried - for the good and the bad.

Kristi was talking in her blog about how she is looking for something more. Do we ever find the more in this life? Or is that what we are waiting for - in anticipation of heaven? It seems that our three Daisy Girls are struggling to find out where God's place is for our lives, or at least fit into that place that he has carved for us. For me, I'm just as clueless. It feels like I need to move on in some way, to establish new friendships and to do so, at least for this year, here in Wichita.

The selfish part of me just wants to give up. I love my friends and who they are and what they have helped me to become. I'm also tired of giving up my best friends to their vocations while I'm still looking and waiting for mine. Part of me doesn't want to form any more attachments that I'll have to break when they find their partner and family for life. It's too hard to let them go when that happens.

And how does that work, really? I know somehow that my family will be different from my parent's house. Partly because the military moved them around a lot, we didn't have a whole lot of close family friends. But I do, already. And these are relationships that are going to be around a while. I got the privilege of receiving my second godchild into the church this morning. I was telling my students a few weeks ago that my "family" here in Wichita is not so much my aunt and uncle (who live here and are amazing). My family here are my friends. Friends who would drive 8 hours to attend another friend's father's funeral. Friends with a priest who traveled 6 hours today to baptise baby Wyatt and then got back to Pittsburg to be there for Generations of Faith. My friends are the ones who have shown me what the body of Christ is really all about. I want my children to grow up into this family of friendships as well, just as is beginning to happen now.

So I guess my question is the same as Kristi's - "Where does God want me to focus my energy now?" And more than that, where do I receive the love that I need to share this energy and love? I desperately want to have a family of my own. But I must wait. And that is hard.

Never ceasing to amaze me

"This is a time of purification. A time to identify your ambiguous relationships and your ambivalent attitudes, and to make some decisions and choose some directions."

St. John Eudes

Ok, so I have no idea who St. John Eudes is. But this is the quote on my quote of the day calendar. For those of you that remember the Daisy House, this calendar used to sit on Kim's vanity in our downstairs bathroom. Then it moved to her apartment, then (along with numerous other of her belongings - which make her seem a bit closer rather than really far away) to my new duplex. The one that just houses me - and my landlord's in the back half.

Anyway, from the time I've been reading this calendar it just seems to eerily fit what is going on in my life. It's crazy - when I'm sad it will have something uplifting, when I'm being a dolt it will kick my butt. And when I really don't know what I'm doing, this is the quote of the day.

Purification - yes, I need some please!
Identifying ambiguous relationships - it seems that I am doing that but so many seem to be able to put into that category these days, everything seems a bit off-kilter.
Ambivalent attitudes - ambivalent means "uncertain or unable to decide about what course to follow" - I'm getting better but I still feel a bit lost about what I should be doing. When that happens, usually I just need to do something. I'm starting a writing class on Wednesday and need to set up some coffee dates w/ some friends . . .

. . . and finally - Make some decisions and choose some directions. This I need to do. It reminds me of someone once saying that God doesn't give you all the answers. Sometimes you must love God and do what you want.

I guess now I just need to figure out what I want to do!

Preaching to the Choir vs. Preaching to Me!

So, we've all heard the phrase, "You're preaching to the choir." The past day or so, however, I feel like I've been preaching to myself.

I've been teaching my students about the book "EPIC" by John Eldredge (the same guy who wrote Wild at Heart and co-wrote Captivating - both of which I blogged about earlier this year). In this book, Eldredge says that he thinks that all of our lives are a part of this huge story, this epic, that encompasses all of salvation history. The evil that we fight everyday is the devil, the good that we choose is God - and our conflict is the choice between the two - which do we choose - the good or the bad? Ok, so I know that all life isn't that cut and dry. But that's not really where I'm headed with this.

The idea is that if all our lives are a part of this greater story, eventually the story will have a happy ending. And therein lies my issue. It's not that I don't believe in this happy ending - I'm a hopeless romantic am I not? I think it goes back to my whole trust issue - knowing that although I'm not experiencing the happily ever after right now, that it is coming someday (even if that's not till I get to heaven).

I'm trying to make this year (and the transitions of the summer - Kimmy joining the convent, Jose at grad school, not talking to boys that I'd really like to be talking to, living by myself (yeah!) in a cute duplex that I don't have to worry about maintenance and new windows but without a cat (boo!), welcoming new members of my extended friend family - including my new godson Wyatt Christopher) a little bit less dramatic then my fall was last year. (apologies for the really long run on sentence where I'm sure I lost track of where parenthesis should go . . . ) Not all of these changes are bad. I'm excited for Kimmy and Jose and completely psyched about getting to have a godchild in the same state as me - I love you my little miss Hannah far away in Iowa!

Thing is, I am at a loss as to how to make this transition better. First, I figured I'd lose myself in condo stuff - not buying or paying a mortgage. Second, it looked like there'd be a boy in the picture to take some focus - no boy, unfortunately. Third, how does one deal with prepping for changes if 1)Things change 2 days before you move, 2)Life seems to just keep turning when you just want it to stop for a day or two. Forth, apparently our school scheduling system can no longer schedule year long classes and so I have to completely replan my entire sophomore class - that'd be the one I've been teaching for 4 years. Everything flowed together and I knew where things went (and already had them in my plan book!) And that doesn't mention the whole attempt to build a classroom community.

Ok, it feels like I'm gripping. I don't mean to. I just don't know what else to do. I applied for a part time job that seemed perfect - apparently the part time was a little closer to full time which made it non-perfect. I was really excited about some stuff that seemed to be moving forward in the Wichita YA community - w/o my help or extended effort - now that doesn't really seem to be happening.

So, while I'm telling my students, "Trust God, he's got these really awesome plans for your life," it feels like I'm stuck in the midst of people that seem to have more direction than me while I'm not knowing what I'm supposed to be doing. That kind of sucks.

I'm home!!

As of now, anyway, I am living in a cute little duplex in Riverside that I happen to be very fond of - except for the fact that my landlords are selling the place (which they informed me of a meer 3 days after I moved in.

School started today. My 5th hour is already cocky!

Boys are dumb - is that really anything new?

Life is crazy busy and I'm saying lots of goodbyes which is not very fun. But two of my goodbyes were girls going to Benedictine so that kind of rocks:)

I will post a real blog from the home later on - it's just exciting that I have one:)

God is good. I wish he'd tell me his plans but. . . God is good.

Home Sweet Elusive Home!

As of now, June 18th at 11:17 pm, I have no place to lay my stuff in a week and a half. And I'm not really freaking out. It's intriguing. I have a place to lay my head and have lots of tiny leads on where I can lay my stuff (ok, so I'm going to rent a storage unit tomorrow after summer school). But seriously. It feels as though this should bother me more than it does. I think I'm just burnt out on the whole "home searching gig." Seriously - how long and how much effort should finding a nice place to live really take? Apparently quite a while if you teach at a Catholic school that you love but live just above the poverty line so that you don't qualify for the really nice housing available to low-income families.

End of rant, I apologize. I'm attempting to trust God that I will find some amazing place in which to lay my stuff, my head and call home - very soon. And in the mean time, I plan to beg, borrow . . . and really, that's all one needs to do!

Puddle Jumping and God

This week has been a stressful week. It could be the fact that school is out, that I am completely burnt out with teaching due to my amazing experience with summer school last year, meeting with a realtor for the first time ever, or just random life events that seem to preoccupy my mind. In any case, the week is over and I can be done with the worrying! That is an exciting prospect!

One good thing about this week, I found myself in the chapel a lot. Whether I made it to Mass on an abnormal day or just randomly made my way to see Jesus during my planning period, we had a lot of face time this week and that was really good. I didn't really find any peace though, sometimes my head works too much:).

Even though I wasn't finding that, "Ahhhhh, Jesus's got in all under control" feeling, I knew that he did anyway. It's kind of interesting. You know how you know something is true but you don't really want to believe it? I think that's how I've been the past week.

Last night this came to a front. I was annoyed with life and school and missing my Angels who are in Spring Sports. I ventured to my first ever swim meet to watch Lauren's last ever swim meet. It was actually pretty neat (as well as pretty humid). I got to talk to a bunch of my girls on the team and that was really good.

I walked out of Northwest to head to my car and it was raining softly (go figure, when has it not rained in the past month?). As I walked I heard people talking and looked up to see an entire rainbow and about 1/4 of another. It was comforting. The last time I saw a rainbow was about a year ago, while I was driving back from my sister's college graduation. A bunch of things were changing and I wasn't sure what God wanted me to do with my life and it was scary to trust him. I took that rainbow as a sign that, "Yes, Lisa, I really am in control!"

So last night, it seemed as more of the same message. "Yep, a year later I am still here. I love you and I have a plan for you (really, I do, you don't need to go look for it or worry about it!)." And I heard this (or saw it, I guess) and I attempted to convince myself that it's message is true.

And then came the puddles. I was never one to jump in puddles or make mudpies or anything of the sort. But if you ever want to, the Northwest parking lot is a great place to find some big ones! I started off a little damp at the ankles. By the time I made it around my car once or twice, the entire back end of my jeans was soaked. I would have sung a little, "Singin' in the Rain," (ok, i did, to myself) if there hadn't been the fear of people around (i.e. lady getting out of her car next to where I was galavanting in the parking lot.

Needless to say, it is finally the weekend, things are looking up (in more ways than one), and hopefully, Lisa will trust that God has all her puddle jumping planned out!

Legend of the $30 Cart

I went to Wally World yesturday because I was in need of essentials. For some reason the essentials included one queen sized sheet, some hair gel and milk (the last one really is needed).

I walked into the world of consumer bliss (and much credit card debt) and got a cart from one of the ladies who was leaving. (LMM - did you know that Dillons now has sanitary wipes for the handle of the cart so you can be free of germs (of which I typed girls - funny slip of the finger there)) As she handed of the cart, I asked it the cart was a good one. She replied, "Yes, it only spends $30!"

"Hmmmmm," I thought to myself as I commenced with remembering the things I needed to get and went about my shopping. I pondered buying a new CD - Michael Buble (or however the heck you spell his name) was sounding awfully tempting. But I went past the CD's, past the shoes aisle, past the baby clothing (that's a hard one now-a-days with cute kids running amuck!) and on to what I needed, not really worrying about the $30 deal.

But, when I got to the cashier, she rang me up. I spent $30.48! It worked! I threatened the cashier with marking the cart and shoving people over the next time I came in. I figure if I tag it, no one will want it. But alas, the cart has been on it's own at the Wal-Mart for more than 24 hours. It may never be found again. It will remain, however, a legend on my blog - the legend of the $30 (and 48 cent) cart!

Sidenote - Aubrey and I switched two of our students in 7th hour today - it made the last hour quite interesting and amusing:)

Normal?

As I drove to the East side with Kimmy last night, we had a conversation about normalcy. OK, maybe we didn't actually talk about it. But I was thinking about it!

LMM - See Kimmy in the white Tshirt - she's our Meteorologist hero, it's her first tornado!


See, I am not sure what is normal these days. It seems that, without my knowledge, things have changed and can never be reversed. I am excited about these changes but also a bit scared. I promised myself after last fall that I would prep myself for the next set of changes.

I've been attempting to do so for the past few months, then school gets in the way and I get busy and forget about all else happening. Or, one of the fun new changes (this baby or that baby or neat people hanging out with me:) seems to consume all of my time and I forget about all the changes that I may one day find sad.

This Sunday was Good Shepherd Sunday, a Sunday that will always remind me of Sojourn 2006, our being corralled to Christ and the amazing experience of Andrew and Kristi's wedding. I sat in the pew listening to Fr. Schukman speak of the Good Shepherd and Him leading his flock of lambs. Fr. talked about how when you get sheep together they are very easy to herd. If you only get one or two, though, they will freak out and be completely lost.

I don't feel lost, persay, just a bit bewildered. So many changes are coming my way. Friends are adjusting to married life and parenthood. Kim is getting ready to enter the convent. Jose is moving to Denver to persue his Master's degree. I am moving out on my own (somewhere:). How does one prep oneself for the unknown? I like to imagine things. I once wrote that I need to have a "joyful imagination." It's scary, though, wondering if things will live up to those joyful expectations. And how is that really prepping myself. I am excited for the changes, in a way. I've known they were coming and I know that they will be good. And in addition to the "joyful imagination," I have somewhat of a sense of joyful anticipation for what will happen.

I'm having my student's write about their dreams and goals. I had them write ten year goals. It was interesting to see where they thought they would be - I'm a little older than 10 years older. I am definitely not where I imagined I would be. Even so, where I am is a good place to be!

A thought on unrequited love

"I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind." Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space!"
~ Iris in The Holiday

I often wonder about this concept of unrequited love. Mostly because it seems to happen to girls. Ok, really I am talking about myself. This is not a new thing. It makes me sad to think how often this happens. As girls, we long for the prince in shining armor to save us on a white horse, to do the persuing that is supposed to happen, to unveil us as true beauties and fall in love with us. But we worry so much that this will never ever happen.

I think it has a lot to do with our self esteem. In The Holiday, there is the cute old man who Iris meets (I think every girly movie needs cute old men, just look at the quartet in Return to Me!). He says to her, "Iris, in the movies, we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason, you're behaving like the best friend."

Now, I think there are different kinds of self esteem. A girl (i.e. me) can be completely confident in the workplace or the classroom or in front of peers. But one must have a different kind of self esteem with members of the opposite sex. So many women automatically place themselves in the "best friend category" without even allowing themselves to think that they would ever be a leading lady.

How sad is that? We put ourselves down thinking, "Why would anyone ever love me?" And we automatically think that we are handicapped, that we aren't good enough for the love of another person.

It is sad, yes.

But how many of us do this with God? How many of us think, "God could never love me, God can never forgive me for what I've done or want me to be happy." My friend Joe was explaining it like this (he took it from Fr. Lanzrath - so there you go!): We are all like cups. God's grace is like a pitcher of never ending water, continually pouring into our cup. No matter what we do, His Grace is always open to us. We may cut it off by our actions (mortal sin being a big one, but I think we can also just choose not to accept His grace). We can turn our cups over and not be open to Christ's grace. But even if we do, His love is still there for us, wanting and desiring to overflow into our lives. How amazing a kind of love that is!

I’m forgiven because You were forsaken,
I’m accepted, You were condemned.
I am alive and well, Your spirit is within me,
Because You died and rose again.

Amazing love,How can it be?
That You, my King would die for me?
Amazing love,I know it’s true.
It’s my joy to honour You,
In all I do, I honour You.
- Chris Tomlin

Father - In this Holy Week, please help us to allow your merciful grace to flow into our lives - Your love is amazing, help me to accept your love with joy.