Thursday, May 29, 2008

the real reason my meditation isn't as good as it should be

I've been aware for a while now, that I am circumventing my own happiness because of fear. Part of this has been intentional, part of it is unconcious protection of my heart.

Although my friendships the past few years have been amazing, over the last two years there have been MANY changes. Kimmy's pretty permanently in Ohio, Kristi is taken up with mothering soon to be two and being a wife. Rachel is planning mommy stuff as well. Katie and Jose and Kathy all moved away and suddenly my nice little formed circle of virtuous friends has dwindled to friends that are either really far away physically or really far away incidentally.

And it's not like I've stopped hanging out with people - although I have spent many more nights hanging out by myself than I have since the spring of 2004 when I met Kristi and Kim. And instead of fostering friendships as I should, I have stopped myself. Of course, there are those relationships that for some reason I thought would be more - boys who were too caught up in their own problems to really care about me, friends that I thought would turn into those friendships that I need and crave that are too busy with other things or too caught up in thier own thing to be messin' with other people on a regular basis. Maybe it's the non-fullfillment of possiblity there that has darkened my desire and drive to develop those friendships with others.

Bottom line, I'm supposed to talk about "Where is your community?" in two days. Is it fair for me to say that my community has been found more in Dawson and Joey and Ross and Rachel these past two years than it has been found in those around me? I go through the motions of pretending to be social - I go to theology on tap and hang out with the young adult group. But aside from the friends that I've made through TECs when you are forced to divulge a part of your soul into those around you - I've been keeping my soul locked up with a key afraid that someone else will come and take a part of it and leave without giving warning.

I've tried to find fullfillment in my kids at school, through the friendships that I hold at a distance but it just doesn't work. I was lecturing my kids about virtuous friendships a few weeks ago and I couldn't help but think of the contradiction. I haven't worked at friendships for a while. Or let me rephrase - I haven't worked on friendships that others were working on with me in a while.

And therein lies my dilema - how do you know who to give a part of yourself too? Because it seems that everyone in my life is, has, or will be (with the exception of my family) leaving or moving on and away from me. And I think the dilema as a single adult is even harder. I'll never find the love of my life if I don't open up to him. On the other hand, this seemingly neverending saying goodbye and moving on doesn't seem to help matters either.