So I'm sitting here on Saturday night enjoying the fact that I am in comfy clothes, that I got to take a nap and that my house is finally clean! Also, I was a bit miffed at the fact that my friends hadn't called to give me an update on what exactly was going on so I wouldn't be sitting in my house wearing comfy clothes wondering what's going on.
Then I check my phone and see the missed calls. I guess that's what happens when you change your phone ringer and get immersed in "Felicity" reruns on DVD. It's a cool life, let me tell you.
Now that it's too late to hang out with my friends with a baby, I am doing what one does on a lame Saturday evening, surfing the net and catching up on blogs. Ok, Kristi's blog is the only one I read with any regularity and the only one I read tonight.
This whole Kim in the convent thing has thrown me for a bit of a loop. I am so excited for her and all that she is experiencing. I'm also not really sure what to do without her around to call my bluff when I'm being really stupid about something or I just need someone to tell it like it is. She is so good at that! She and my dad. I love to hate them for it; their ability to call me on stuff when I need to get over myself and go on with my life. Even so, I desperately need them in my life.
When one loses a person in their life, you go through all these stages and stuff. I know I haven't gone over them all with Kim yet. I definitely had some hills and valleys last Thursday. Good, bad, sad, annoyed at my 6th hour, really good, great, crying . . . It was a little crazy. Then, on my way home from Angels (the really good of the day) I was checking my messages and one was from Kim. I got to talk to her for about 20 minutes which was pretty amazing and also a little awkward. How do you fill in your best friend on your life and the fact that you miss her while also being encouraging and really excited that she called within a really short conversation? It was after the conversation that I cried - for the good and the bad.
Kristi was talking in her blog about how she is looking for something more. Do we ever find the more in this life? Or is that what we are waiting for - in anticipation of heaven? It seems that our three Daisy Girls are struggling to find out where God's place is for our lives, or at least fit into that place that he has carved for us. For me, I'm just as clueless. It feels like I need to move on in some way, to establish new friendships and to do so, at least for this year, here in Wichita.
The selfish part of me just wants to give up. I love my friends and who they are and what they have helped me to become. I'm also tired of giving up my best friends to their vocations while I'm still looking and waiting for mine. Part of me doesn't want to form any more attachments that I'll have to break when they find their partner and family for life. It's too hard to let them go when that happens.
And how does that work, really? I know somehow that my family will be different from my parent's house. Partly because the military moved them around a lot, we didn't have a whole lot of close family friends. But I do, already. And these are relationships that are going to be around a while. I got the privilege of receiving my second godchild into the church this morning. I was telling my students a few weeks ago that my "family" here in Wichita is not so much my aunt and uncle (who live here and are amazing). My family here are my friends. Friends who would drive 8 hours to attend another friend's father's funeral. Friends with a priest who traveled 6 hours today to baptise baby Wyatt and then got back to Pittsburg to be there for Generations of Faith. My friends are the ones who have shown me what the body of Christ is really all about. I want my children to grow up into this family of friendships as well, just as is beginning to happen now.
So I guess my question is the same as Kristi's - "Where does God want me to focus my energy now?" And more than that, where do I receive the love that I need to share this energy and love? I desperately want to have a family of my own. But I must wait. And that is hard.
Monday, September 03, 2007
"This is a time of purification. A time to identify your ambiguous relationships and your ambivalent attitudes, and to make some decisions and choose some directions."
St. John Eudes
Ok, so I have no idea who St. John Eudes is. But this is the quote on my quote of the day calendar. For those of you that remember the Daisy House, this calendar used to sit on Kim's vanity in our downstairs bathroom. Then it moved to her apartment, then (along with numerous other of her belongings - which make her seem a bit closer rather than really far away) to my new duplex. The one that just houses me - and my landlord's in the back half.
Anyway, from the time I've been reading this calendar it just seems to eerily fit what is going on in my life. It's crazy - when I'm sad it will have something uplifting, when I'm being a dolt it will kick my butt. And when I really don't know what I'm doing, this is the quote of the day.
Purification - yes, I need some please!
Identifying ambiguous relationships - it seems that I am doing that but so many seem to be able to put into that category these days, everything seems a bit off-kilter.
Ambivalent attitudes - ambivalent means "uncertain or unable to decide about what course to follow" - I'm getting better but I still feel a bit lost about what I should be doing. When that happens, usually I just need to do something. I'm starting a writing class on Wednesday and need to set up some coffee dates w/ some friends . . .
. . . and finally - Make some decisions and choose some directions. This I need to do. It reminds me of someone once saying that God doesn't give you all the answers. Sometimes you must love God and do what you want.
I guess now I just need to figure out what I want to do!
Posted by A Daisy Girl at 9:28 PM