. . . then I moved to the real world and lost myself again." - Kiki
My roommate and I were discussing life issues the other day when she put into words what I have been feeling for the past year. I feel lost some days. By my senior year of college, I loved myself. I knew what I liked and disliked, I knew how to change what I didn't like and knew what not to mess with. I liked being "me" and I knew exactly who "me" was. It was great.
Since then, I moved to a brand new city where I only knew a handful of people (from my college of app. 800 where I knew, or knew of, everyone). And although I still know "me" and love being "me," it seems harder for that me to come out of my "me" shell.
This seems to happen every time that I move on. In high school, I thought I knew "me." I knew which people were my friends, I became what my friend Sarah and I call "a floater" when my best friends had a huge semester long fight, and I was happy being Lisa. Then, when all these friends went off to college and I was at home driving an hour and a half back and forth to the local community college, it took me a while, but I found my crowd and we were happy.
When I transfered colleges, it took me about a year to find my niche. The year was hard and full of tears, but eventually I found the me that had been emerging for a while. And it was great. I was finally around Catholics that loved their faith as much as I did. I learned how to live that aspect of my faith (before, I had been surrounded by Christians who were amazing, but something was lacking). I developed a greater zeal for the Mass and relying on my Heavenly Father and Mary as my mother. Through all of this, I became what it seemed I had been trying to become for quite some time. And I was happy.
Since moving to Wichita, I have lost some of the things that I attribute to be "Lisa things." I call myself an "introverted extrovert." I love being around people and being a leader. It is something that drives me and makes me happy. The thing is, I have to get over the introverted, "I am scared to get involved" mode that dominates new things for me. I have got to get in there and do something. To let Wichita know that I know myself, I like myself and I want to get involved!!
Now, I just have to act . . . why is that the hard part?