Sunday, February 25, 2007

It's hard letting God do His job!

If you know me at all, you know that I'm a single, Catholic, fun loving girl with some pretty big dreams. I want to get married and have kids and have a white picket fence with a cat and a dog. Actually, skip the fence - give me a back porch with a porch swing and some twinkle lights. There - that's the picture. I want more than that too. I want to write Catholic young adult novels someday and be a good role model for young women who are trying to find a place in the world.

There's the thing; a place in the world. Ariel sang about it in the Little Mermaid. It made Michael W. Smith's mid 90's album that I played again and again in our kitchen while I was doing the dishes. I want a place in this world where all can say - yep, there's Lisa's place! Right there - doesn't she look great in it?!

The fact that I'm still looking for this place makes it seem as though it doesn't exist. This is not true. There is a place for me; at school, with my family, with my friends, at Church (even though I keep forgetting when I am supposed to lector!) There is definitely a place that screams out - HERE'S LISA'S PLACE - no one can fit it but me! So why doesn't this seem like enough? Why am I not satisfied to be the best me I can be? Instead, it seems like I am ever looking forward to what I will be, what things will be like someday.

I've been reading a book titled, Captivating: Unveiling the Mysteries of a Woman's Soul, by John and Stasi Eldredge (same guy that wrote Wild at Heart). They talk about how there are different desires in our hearts.

The desires of a man's heart are:
  1. A Battle to Fight - think cops and robbers, Braveheart, Gladiator, Top Gun - the list could go on
  2. A Longing for Adventure - something that requires a test that will discover if they have what it takes
  3. A Beauty to Rescue - think about it - they have to find someone to fight for

The desires of a woman's heart echo in return those of a man's:

  1. To be Romanced - girls long for romance, to be seen and desired, to be sought after and fought for
  2. An Irreplaceable Role in a Great Adventure - not just sweet, barefoot and pregnant women - we long to have a role in an adventure that is shared - adventure that requires something of us for others - think Arwen and Eowyn
  3. To be Unveiled as a Beauty - Ah, to have a man say that I look beautiful - or even just stop suddenly in surprise at how great I look on any given day:)

Ok - so I blatantly stole these desires, how do they fit? I'm trying to find the perfect "Lisa" space in which to be the best me. While doing so, I have desires for romance, adventure and beauty. In my head, this LMM leads me back to the "relationships in my head" discussion of years gone by (ok, maybe two).

The Church says that we are a Body of Christ, that none of us are alone in this search for a relationship with God. And I know that this relationship with God is the most important one of my life. I also know that as wonderful as that is - I need some flesh and bone here. I need someone to hold my hand - not just imagining that Jesus is saying "Lisa, it'll be OK," but somebody who will kiss my forehead and hold me as I cry all the loneliness out. I know he won't be able to take care of it, but together we can take it to the One who can.

Everybody always says that you have to be comfortable being single before you meet your "one." My struggle is this - how can I be OK being single? I'm all by myself. What happened to this Body of Christ deal in this mix?

I guess what I'm attempting to spill onto the vast internet is this - Somewhere inside I hear the "For I know the plans I have for you." Can someone tell it to my heart and then my head? Then maybe relationships in the real world can take precedence over the ones in my head!

It's hard letting God do His job!

1 comment:

Rosten18 said...

Hmmm... this sounds an awful lot like what I just wrote in my journal today...